Things are a Changin'

So last week sucked...really bad.

My "Hidden Cervix, Crouching Uterus" is really starting to Urck me!

Last Wednesday was horrible for me. I can't say my wonderful Fertility Doctor didn't try his hardest, but still can't get ahold of my cervix.

Here I am again....10 feet up in the air, praying to God that my cervix will gently relax, and float down so the Doc can see it, but NO...not my Cervix....

After about 10 minutes Doc lowers the table, has me sit up, looks me in the eye and says "I need to see you in my office".

Yikes! The whole group leave the room and I quickly get dressed....have a brief moment of nausea as I see the trash next to me with all these long over sized q-tips with blood on them....I re-focus and quickly leave the room.

I start walking down the hallway and I immediately start tearing up....I get into the Doc's office and he tells me he's tried everything he can. My cervix is too far up and he can't reach it. I ask if surgery will correct it...he says no...I am praying so hard right now....

He says he can't go through with my IVF cycle right now. (this is where the tears start flowing pretty hard - I am not a crier so this is strange for me)....and he continues....

We would have to go through the Cervix to get the eggs out, if he can't monitor my cervix then it wouldn't be healthy or safe to continue. Then he suggests something....."lose some weight". Well DUH. I have PCOS I can't just lose weight like normally people...I have to work 10 times harder at everything...ARGH....I am over-whelmed....I just want to get out of the office.

He tries to schedule another appointment with the nutritionist.....and I am trying my darndest to hold back these tears....he gives me a big hug....and hurries off to his next patient.....the scheduling girl is taking her sweet old time.....

"Can I call back"...."I really need to get out of here"....she nods at me and I bolt out the door. I get to the truck....start crying hysterically and call hubbie. I call into work and hubbie meets me at home.

Needless to say...Dear Hubbie is super supportive. He's been with me since I was 16. He knows how hard it is for me to be a cry baby. He just holds me and loves on me...and I start feeling a little better.

Now I know what you are probably thinking....."it's okay.....just work really hard and you can lose a few pounds and it will be good for you anyway"...YOU ARE RIGHT. It will be good for me...that is not my problem. I am a planner....and in my mind my plan was going 100% according to what I planned. So this little kink in the road...yeah....not so good with kinks.

But I am trying.....got my appointment with the nutritionist on Friday....I really liked her last time and she's an amazing expert with PCOS and what you should and shouldn't eat. So I am totally excited to meet with her again.

I just feel my clock ticking away.....and I am praying my insurance doesn't change this year...cause my work is paying 100% of all my treatments.....so keep me and hubbie in your prayers!

Thanks for letting me share and vent!

Personal Confession

So I have decided to start blogging about something personal. It's very hard to talk about this with just anyone and even though I have a super supportive hubbie, sometimes I just got to get everything off my chest. This includes way too much TMI......but I've decided I don't really care.

Personally I consider my body to be a failure. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and can't conceive naturally. Not to mention the fact that losing weight is damn near impossible and let's not even get started on the extra facial hair......

Despite all of these "faults" my dear hubbie loves me unconditionally. He is the bestest.

We were married for 10 years before we had kids. And it wasn't isn't having them either. We ended up doing Invitro and were very blessed to have everything take the first time and had our 2 wonderful children.

A few of my friends already know my next adventure in life.....well I guess it's actually a repeat adventure.

We are going to try for kids again and I am going to start blogging about my experience with the entire process.

I have only had a handful of visits just for precautionary items. My most recent challenge during my workup has been my issues with my cervix.

Argh....it's just crazy.

After the birth of the twins at my 6 week check up, my Gyno conveniently tells me that he must have "put my uterus" back incorrectly and now it was tilted! As if I don't have enough problems conceiving!

Well the result of this faulty line up is that now my cervix is a little out of alignment (it's not like I can just go into the Gyno and get a re-alignment, Dammit Jim he's a Gyno not a Car mechanic).

So here I am last Monday morning...sitting in a freezing room...naked from the waist down. Doc finally comes in with his nurses and we are ready to start my Sonohystogram. So the pelvic assault begins and it feels like she's rubbing on my bladder back and forth and back and forth. All I am thinking about is how much I've got to pee.

Nurse says "her bladder's too full I can't see anything". We all agree I need to empty the bladder. So I get off the table wipe of the 10 gallons of lube they put down there and proceed to get re-dressed and march to the bathroom. I do the deed, come back to the room, get undressed again, hop on the table and await my punishment.

The troop comes back in and the procedure starts again. This time she locates my right ovary with no problems, takes the measurements and tells me I have a lovely string of 10 pearls on it. For you non-PCOSers, that's 10 egg follicles that have decided to grow on the outside of my ovary instead of proceeding down my tubes. I don't know if I should be proud of these pearls or worried? Oh well....now it's time to find the left one.

Okay - this one hurts even more. I remember this pain. This is the pain from last time I was here 6 years ago. After taking the wand and twisting it to a almost 90 degree angle, she finally finds it. Takes the measurements and I get to add another 9 pearls to my collection. Lucky me...

So next the Doc steps in to start my sonohystogram. He gets the speculum out and proceeds to insert it. The speculum is really hurting and he can't get it into the position he wants.

He backs up and tells the nurses we need to go into the ER because he needs to get my up higher to get a better view.

So yep - I get to clean the lube off AGAIN...get dressed AGAIN..and march into another cold ass room. I get undressed climb up on the table and the Doc starts hoisting me up in the air. I start to laugh to myself as I picture this literally looking like I am on a lift. I start to visualize hubbies face as I tell him how HI-Larious this is......until I feel the speculum. The thing still isn't working...the Doc asks for a longer one.... (ruh-roh, A longer one?)

Nurse comes in with another one, they try this one and same results. Doc tries to continue the testing but doesn't want to keep causing me any more discomfort. So he stops....HALLELUJAH! I can hear angels singing.....

Feels like I have been ripped a new one down there....the pain was intense.

So I get dressed.....sigh....Again....and the Doc tells me he can't complete this test because my cervix is very high and a little crooked. I ask if this is normal, he says it can happen, not to worry....and that they have to order a special speculum that's longer and narrower. Now I don't what that means.....long and narrow? hmmm...that's another subject.

Needless to say I leave the Clinic feeling sore, but it's not the good sore like when it's "business time". So I am a little disappointed...LOL

Point is - I get to repeat this test on Tuesday....wish me luck. I am going to need it!

When "privates" should be private

It's finally here. The day Walt and I dreaded (and I am sure this won't be the last of these days).

Our 6 year old twins were caught "exploring" privates. I am baffled on how to approach it because it didn't happen when Walt and I were around. It happened at Grandma's and she raised 4 boys so I think she handled it fine. We are trying to find an opportunity to talk about it without embarrassing the kids.

Looking online I am hard pressed to find anything of real value. I want a Christian perspective on the situation.

So we went to the Christian book store today and we found a couple of books. One for a boy and one for a girl. It's titled "Why boys and girls are different". So we got one for each and plan on reading these separately to the kids. Walt will read my son's and I will read my daughters. And then I think I am going to switch so that if my son has questions about girls he can ask and vice versa for my daughter.

My biggest concern is that if we don't approach the subject carefully then we could embarrass them or make them feel like what they did was wrong. Here are some tips I am going to use based on conversations with my mother in law:

1. Openly talk about what you saw them doing.
2. Allow them to ask ANY question they have. And I mean ANY.
3. Take a deep breath if the question seems shocking.
4. It's okay to tell your children the truth. You don't need to go into great detail about sex if the conversation leads that way.
5. Keep your explanations brief. They do not need details about the birds and the bees at this age.
6. Refrain from laughing at any questions they have. This will make them feel embarrassed and could damage any future discussions.
7. If the conversation starts to feel uncomfortable for you, then tell your child they have really great questions and you want to provide the best answers. Let them know the conversation isn't over and that you need to do some research on their questions.

I am excited to read these books to the kids. I always want an open relationship with them and feel like this is a good opportunity to start a healthy foundation for conversations to come.

If anyone has some advice or has been in a similar situation - let me know how you handled it. I love the knowledge that is shared!

Dooney and Bourke

I love QVC......I just got the most amazing deal on a new Dooney!

Anyone who knows me knows that Dooney and Bourke is my purse of choice. I absolutely love those purses. They are so unique!

So I just got the Giraffe Print Dooney and the 3 Flex easy payments of $50 bucks...and it should be here on August 24!

I can't wait. I have been on a waiting list for this bag downtown at the Dooney store since May! It's ridiculous and now I have one on it's way!

I can't wait - and will take some pictures to post as soon as it comes!

I love you Dooney!

Liberty Mutual Life Ins

Got a letter in the mail yesterday from Liberty Mutual Life Insurance Company. They are the private INS company that my work (HSBC) uses for FMLA and STD claims.

If you read my blog last month about my long drawn out diagnosis of IBS then you know the frustrations I have had with this company.

So my letter says "after our doctors have reviewed the additional medical information you have supplied, we still my stick with our first decision to deny your claim of payment. You may rebuttal this decision through a class action law suite".

I am baffled....and very concerned. Granted I was not dying, even though most days I was in so much pain I was literally just laying on the couch or bed unable to move. My concern is they kept saying I should have been able to perform my phone job.

Whats interesting about that though is when I received my first denial letter from LMLI they stated my job as a "Senior Collector" was to : Take escalated calls from associates, relieve managers when needed, follow up on accounts that require additional investigation and answer general questions as needed. What I find interesting here is that my job is nothing like this! I was on the phones for 7 hrs a day calling people and asking them to pay their bill.

So do I have an issue with what HSBC considers a "Senior Collector"? Heck yes! That is a bogus job description. I never once "relieved a manager" or "took an escalated call" or any of the other items in the letter from LMLI.

At this point and time...I am done....I am throwing in the towel on this one. I am not going to pursue a class action law suite just to get back the 1200 dollars I had to used out of my savings account to pay for my expenses while not working. I don't feel it's worth it.

What have I learned from this experience? That I have to make my doctor be specific on their notes in my medical charts. I need to have them specify in great detail on any paper work from the INS company going forward.

Thank heavens that when my doctor completed my FMLA extension she mentioned in my paper work that with IBS I will have no control over when a flare up happens OR how long it will last. It can last any where from 7 days to several weeks. But do I feel like this will cover me if I ever have another flare up? No I don't. I have no faith what so ever in this new INS company my work is using. If anyone who suffers from IBS is reading this. You know how a flare up works. It's miserable! I still have a "slip" about once a week. But it's not enough to make me have to use my FMLA time.

We have also talked about cancelling our private insurances we have with Liberty Mutual as a result of this whole fiasco with the LMLI. I have my personal home and car insurances with Liberty Mututal. Safe to say at this point we are going to be shopping around for a new company immediately and when I cancel my private policies with Liberty Mutual I am going to make sure they know I am cancelling because of my denial of benefit pay from their LMLI section.

Since when do private INS companies know more then Doctors? I know that they have their own doctors that review their paper work. But what cracks me up is those doctors don't see you face to face. They rely only on paper work. It's not fair!

But wake up America - cause if Obama gets his way on this new Insurance plan....get used to more of this treatment from Insurance companies.....this is one of the reasons Obama didn't get my vote!